


A Little Bit of Dirt for Nicole

by wayhaught_fic_bot



Series: Wayhaught Bot [2]
Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Comedy, F/F, Humor, Nicole is pure evil right now and it's fine, a coffee cup goes to new york, a real good horse, another one of these hellfics, darling cans of tomatoes, do not take this seriously I beg you, everyone is allergic to clothes, winter pigs, you get a transformation! you all get transformations!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22040818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wayhaught_fic_bot/pseuds/wayhaught_fic_bot
Summary: Waverly Earp just wants Nicole to make an honest woman out of her. Nicole has more crises than is strictly healthy. Wynonna is Wynonna.OR: I made a bot read a bunch of old west AU fics and it wrote this monstrosity.
Relationships: Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Series: Wayhaught Bot [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1512782
Comments: 19
Kudos: 127





	A Little Bit of Dirt for Nicole

**Author's Note:**

> the bot is back, it's yeehaw themed, and I am not sorry in the least

Nicole Haught probably deserved to get attached to a pile of dirty fingernails, Waverly thought. She looked at Nicole, who was trying to catch a baby cloud with her own blood, and shook a fist at the sight. Nicole looked up and began to hammer herself into the ground. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you sky fire?" shouted Waverly. 

"I jus think I'd be good at awkward attempts at courting you," Nicole said shakily.

This was sex to Waverly, who had never seen a woman without her pants on. She felt powerful winter pigs tightening their grip on the town.

"Nicole! " Wynonna said, shooting her guns in the air while she furiously stomped towards them. "I ain't tryin'a embarrass you but that red hair is disheveled and beautiful!"

Waverly could hardly bear to look at Nicole and her sister falling in love, so she mustered enough courage to turn into a full coffee cup. She was going to leave Purgatory and go to New York, she decided.

But then, another spoonful of strong-jawed man jumped out and scared her. 

"You scumbag, get away from her," Nicole gritted out through clenched cucumbers. She took her body over to the cowboy and began to trot all over him. He wasn't very keen on it. When Nicole sat on his feet and straightened his skull, he gave up and congealed into a ball of yarn. 

Nicole felt dreadful and mischievous. She immediately cradled Waverly in her arms and kissed her senseless. 

"I appreciate your moves," Waverly said gravely, "but you didn't remember to get undressed, cowboy."

Nicole whispered against Waverly's ear. "I want you to marry me… if that's alright with you."

Wynonna growled and took Nicole's collar and pulled her down into a bathtub. "No way I'm letting you get my baby sister, Mr. Open Shirt Collar." She injected her own thigh with Black Badge Division iron and then she was a horse. She was a real good horse. 

Waverly responded to this by ripping her dress off and basically dragging Nicole into their home. "You are gonna make an honest woman of me, Nicole, or I'm going to badmouth cans of tomatoes."

"You can't," said Nicole. "They're darlings and I will always protect them." She got naked and then she ran down the street to the saloon, shouting, "I'm a fucking mess!"

Waverly sighed dramatically but simultaneously floated after her. "She's fine, she's just pure evil right now," she said to the sheriff, who looked exasperated.

Nicole had already opened the door to the saloon and had decided to get herself up onto the barstool. She threw buckets of soup on Waverly. Waverly smiled at her. 

"Don't you know how breathless you make me?" she said. 

Nicole considered that. She bounced excitedly over to Waverly and stood in front of her. "Well that’s a great relief. I love you too." 

"Thank god," Waverly said smugly. "Can we please get outta here now? I need to touch you and it won't be proper."

**Author's Note:**

> ok maybe I'm a little sorry
> 
> fics sacrificed to the gods this time around: 
> 
> [find a home, lonely heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14968634/chapters/34689533)  
> [for the price of seven good cows](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18684691/chapters/44311105)  
> [From Hell to Purgatory](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11732364/chapters/26435247) and its sequel, [How Long Do You Wanna Be Loved](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14863896)  
> [Homesteaders, You and I](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16307693/chapters/38144429)  
> [You Made Me Love You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19201774/chapters/45648217)
> 
> The bot also tweets nonsense five days a week [@BotFic](https://twitter.com/BotFic) and I tweet nonsense when the mood strikes [@gooseclaws](https://twitter.com/gooseclaws)


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